so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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