If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
