I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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