More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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