Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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