I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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