all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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