So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize