There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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