When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
