Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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