All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
