i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
