she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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