Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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