Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
