Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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