I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize