i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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