Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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