Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
