He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
whose parrot is this?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
