I would go down on you faster than GM stock
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
