Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
