woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
