MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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