You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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