I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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