So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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