He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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