I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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