you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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