Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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