ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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