guys are not supposed to queef...right?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
