Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize