you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
