I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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