Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
