I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
