By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
