Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
