I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
