Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm just crazy horny about you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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