my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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