Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
