i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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