I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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