3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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