wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
