I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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