I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Randomize
