does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
