I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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