update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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