im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
